Reality Continues To Ruin My Life
X
Mood: Mindfucked
Colour: Tan
Song: Imagine (John Lennon)
Again. And yet again.
I see people all around me, real people, going about their life with such abandon and zestfulness as if there is no tomorrow and I can’t help but chuckle at the fickleness of it all.
No. There’s nothing wrong with them. And neither have I been through hell and heaven that I can philosophize on the futility of this material world and it innumerable trappings.
It’s just that I can’t reconcile myself with the vagaries of this existence. I feel, profoundly at times, that I can see through this chimera. This whole infinitesimal state of being which we so happily possess and revel in - a state which we foolishly assume to be timeless and constant. It’s altogether another matter that I see all this only when I have time on my hands, like now for instance, which is ironic because it is this very time which renders our existence meaningless.
It just takes a few hours of nothingness to transcend me into this nightmarish reverie. (Yes. I do not want to believe that reality can be this bad!) I tread through the barren, marshy landscapes of my weakest moments, when I was so near to giving it all up, and am effortlessly swamped by the tidal wave of realization which just makes me question the meaninglessness of it all.
Firstly, the most basic ones.
Why this entire existence? When millions die every day for some reason or the other is there any rationale behind an existence which is entirely governed by chance? Does God play dice after all?
What is the reason for this mindless sustenance? What am I doing? Am I doing anything in the first place? Is anybody else? Even if someone apparently is, what difference does it make to my life? Or to anybody else’s life for that matter? People have lived and died for the last 2 million years. And will continue to do so for the next few years too. How many of them have mattered to this entire planet? Isn’t the entire deal of contributing to humanity limited by the collective memory of humanity itself? Don’t we continue to delude ourselves that somehow we are very important to this human race and its future for some reason is entirely dependent on us? Isn’t every generation made to feel that way? And doesn’t every generation live its life and go away only to be replaced by another babbling bunch of indoctrinated humans who are made to feel responsible for everything happening around them?
Who, or what, am I walking the walk for? Everyone, without exception, whom I know will die one day. So will I. So even if I somehow make myself believe that I am trudging along for someone or, in the worst case, for myself then is it all worth it? I mean when I know we all have a shelf life then why bother? From a materialistic point of view, if I knew that an object is perishable then would I really care about it that much? Don’t we delude ourselves by believing - that somehow whatever we have or possess, including relationships, ties or memories for that matter, is eternal – only to be tormented when that very thing that we considered perpetual ends up not living up to our expectation of it?
What is my purpose? Is there a purpose for each and every one of us? What happens to the purpose of those who are killed at birth or die unborn or are aborted? Or for that matter those who are born with some deformity – be it mental or physical or social? Or those who remain cut off from civilization as we see it – like the people of the ‘lost tribes’? People whom we conveniently term inhuman/cannibals because nobody instructed them to stop eating other humans much long after we stopped doing so. Or those who remain illiterate throughout their life. Is literacy such a big deal? How does it help in improving your life? What about people who came and went before literacy became a measuring tool? Can one choose not be literate and go about his life? Do poor people have a purpose? Does poverty or riches determine purpose of life? Is our purpose improving ‘the quality of our life’? Does ‘quality of life’ augur happiness? Do achievements augur happiness? Is happiness the purpose of this existence? Or is it something else?
Even if I assume that these questions are the ramblings of a deliquescent mind and that they somehow make some sense, or their making or not making sense does not really matter to me, then I am confronted with a further set of questions and doubts.
What do I want to be in life? Do I really need to be something in my life? Is everybody somebody? Even if I am supposed to be something, would I rather be what people/society expects me to be or what I want to be? Does either matter?
Why am I constantly supposed to do well in whatever I do? Isn’t it a physical impossibility? I mean if everybody is supposed to do well then who does badly? Isn’t 'well' relative and wholly dependent on someone doing badly? Is there disgrace in being that someone who is ultimately the benchmark for everyone else? Is he not serving a greater cause? Is doing well serving any cause?
Why should I be expected to tread the beaten path? Was the beaten path always beaten? Wasn’t somebody the first to tread it? Why can’t I be such a somebody? Why can’t I live life on my terms?
Why have expectations?
Why are we always expected to ‘move on’ seamlessly as if nothing happened? Do memories tantamount to nothing? Why is the inability to move on taken as such a disability? How do people ‘move on’? Are they differently equipped or enabled? Or are they inferior in the emotional department? What makes someone emotional? Are there different kinds of emotion involved in being attached in the first place and in remaining attached later? Isn’t attached just attached? Why is it good in the beginning and terrible later? If it’s that bad a deal and memories are expected to have a shelf life then isn’t the whole deal about relationships such a farce? Doesn’t it just vindicate my entire monologue about the fickleness of life and everything that is part of it?
Why is innocence so short lived? Why is shrewdness so highly regarded? Why are always expected to go higher and higher in everything that we do? How long can one run from good to better to best? When will we ever be satisfied? Are we ever satisfied? Are we supposed to be satisfied? What about the hunger-in-the-belly then? Why should we always take the turn which is more financially rewarding? Is money satisfying? Money is necessary but is it also the sufficient condition for life?
Does God really help those who stand and wait? Do we choose our destiny? What about those whose destiny is snatched away from them? Or those whose destiny is sold off? Why should we just live out ‘our destiny’? Should we follow what people deem to be right for us? Who decides what is right or wrong? How can we give up our decision making to someone else? Should we believe in people at all?
Why should I have a religion? When I don’t get to choose what religion I want then why should religion matter at all? Even I have the choice to change my religion, do I really need a religion in the first place? How does having a particular religion make any difference to my life? Does it make me more or less human? More or less fortunate? More or less talented? Who invented religion? For what purpose? Peace of mind? So that we could hate others in its name? So that we could indoctrinate generations to come in its name? so that we could fight wars in its name? To connect with God? Did God ask us to first have a unique name to connect with him? Does he really want us to connect with him? Does religion really help us to connect with him? Again what about the uneducated, the uninitiated, the uncivilized? Don’t they need to connect with God? Is connecting with God the sole responsibility of educated, civilized humans? What if somebody doesn’t have a religion? Does he lose out on something in life? Or for that matter does the follower of one religion have more fun than the follower of some other religion? And how does one follow a religion? By having a peculiar name? A peculiar dress? Or by just adhering to a banal, archaic set of tenets and preachings which are antiquated to say the least. Or by following inane practices and rituals which for some equally inane reason did not follow the Law of Origin of Species and the Law of Natural Selection.
Too many questions. Too few convincing answers.
Mood: Scatterbrained
Colour: Crimson
Song: Dream On (Aerosmith)
Mood: Mindfucked
Colour: Tan
Song: Imagine (John Lennon)
Again. And yet again.
I see people all around me, real people, going about their life with such abandon and zestfulness as if there is no tomorrow and I can’t help but chuckle at the fickleness of it all.
No. There’s nothing wrong with them. And neither have I been through hell and heaven that I can philosophize on the futility of this material world and it innumerable trappings.
It’s just that I can’t reconcile myself with the vagaries of this existence. I feel, profoundly at times, that I can see through this chimera. This whole infinitesimal state of being which we so happily possess and revel in - a state which we foolishly assume to be timeless and constant. It’s altogether another matter that I see all this only when I have time on my hands, like now for instance, which is ironic because it is this very time which renders our existence meaningless.
It just takes a few hours of nothingness to transcend me into this nightmarish reverie. (Yes. I do not want to believe that reality can be this bad!) I tread through the barren, marshy landscapes of my weakest moments, when I was so near to giving it all up, and am effortlessly swamped by the tidal wave of realization which just makes me question the meaninglessness of it all.
Firstly, the most basic ones.
Why this entire existence? When millions die every day for some reason or the other is there any rationale behind an existence which is entirely governed by chance? Does God play dice after all?
What is the reason for this mindless sustenance? What am I doing? Am I doing anything in the first place? Is anybody else? Even if someone apparently is, what difference does it make to my life? Or to anybody else’s life for that matter? People have lived and died for the last 2 million years. And will continue to do so for the next few years too. How many of them have mattered to this entire planet? Isn’t the entire deal of contributing to humanity limited by the collective memory of humanity itself? Don’t we continue to delude ourselves that somehow we are very important to this human race and its future for some reason is entirely dependent on us? Isn’t every generation made to feel that way? And doesn’t every generation live its life and go away only to be replaced by another babbling bunch of indoctrinated humans who are made to feel responsible for everything happening around them?
Who, or what, am I walking the walk for? Everyone, without exception, whom I know will die one day. So will I. So even if I somehow make myself believe that I am trudging along for someone or, in the worst case, for myself then is it all worth it? I mean when I know we all have a shelf life then why bother? From a materialistic point of view, if I knew that an object is perishable then would I really care about it that much? Don’t we delude ourselves by believing - that somehow whatever we have or possess, including relationships, ties or memories for that matter, is eternal – only to be tormented when that very thing that we considered perpetual ends up not living up to our expectation of it?
What is my purpose? Is there a purpose for each and every one of us? What happens to the purpose of those who are killed at birth or die unborn or are aborted? Or for that matter those who are born with some deformity – be it mental or physical or social? Or those who remain cut off from civilization as we see it – like the people of the ‘lost tribes’? People whom we conveniently term inhuman/cannibals because nobody instructed them to stop eating other humans much long after we stopped doing so. Or those who remain illiterate throughout their life. Is literacy such a big deal? How does it help in improving your life? What about people who came and went before literacy became a measuring tool? Can one choose not be literate and go about his life? Do poor people have a purpose? Does poverty or riches determine purpose of life? Is our purpose improving ‘the quality of our life’? Does ‘quality of life’ augur happiness? Do achievements augur happiness? Is happiness the purpose of this existence? Or is it something else?
Even if I assume that these questions are the ramblings of a deliquescent mind and that they somehow make some sense, or their making or not making sense does not really matter to me, then I am confronted with a further set of questions and doubts.
What do I want to be in life? Do I really need to be something in my life? Is everybody somebody? Even if I am supposed to be something, would I rather be what people/society expects me to be or what I want to be? Does either matter?
Why am I constantly supposed to do well in whatever I do? Isn’t it a physical impossibility? I mean if everybody is supposed to do well then who does badly? Isn’t 'well' relative and wholly dependent on someone doing badly? Is there disgrace in being that someone who is ultimately the benchmark for everyone else? Is he not serving a greater cause? Is doing well serving any cause?
Why should I be expected to tread the beaten path? Was the beaten path always beaten? Wasn’t somebody the first to tread it? Why can’t I be such a somebody? Why can’t I live life on my terms?
Why have expectations?
Why are we always expected to ‘move on’ seamlessly as if nothing happened? Do memories tantamount to nothing? Why is the inability to move on taken as such a disability? How do people ‘move on’? Are they differently equipped or enabled? Or are they inferior in the emotional department? What makes someone emotional? Are there different kinds of emotion involved in being attached in the first place and in remaining attached later? Isn’t attached just attached? Why is it good in the beginning and terrible later? If it’s that bad a deal and memories are expected to have a shelf life then isn’t the whole deal about relationships such a farce? Doesn’t it just vindicate my entire monologue about the fickleness of life and everything that is part of it?
Why is innocence so short lived? Why is shrewdness so highly regarded? Why are always expected to go higher and higher in everything that we do? How long can one run from good to better to best? When will we ever be satisfied? Are we ever satisfied? Are we supposed to be satisfied? What about the hunger-in-the-belly then? Why should we always take the turn which is more financially rewarding? Is money satisfying? Money is necessary but is it also the sufficient condition for life?
Does God really help those who stand and wait? Do we choose our destiny? What about those whose destiny is snatched away from them? Or those whose destiny is sold off? Why should we just live out ‘our destiny’? Should we follow what people deem to be right for us? Who decides what is right or wrong? How can we give up our decision making to someone else? Should we believe in people at all?
Why should I have a religion? When I don’t get to choose what religion I want then why should religion matter at all? Even I have the choice to change my religion, do I really need a religion in the first place? How does having a particular religion make any difference to my life? Does it make me more or less human? More or less fortunate? More or less talented? Who invented religion? For what purpose? Peace of mind? So that we could hate others in its name? So that we could indoctrinate generations to come in its name? so that we could fight wars in its name? To connect with God? Did God ask us to first have a unique name to connect with him? Does he really want us to connect with him? Does religion really help us to connect with him? Again what about the uneducated, the uninitiated, the uncivilized? Don’t they need to connect with God? Is connecting with God the sole responsibility of educated, civilized humans? What if somebody doesn’t have a religion? Does he lose out on something in life? Or for that matter does the follower of one religion have more fun than the follower of some other religion? And how does one follow a religion? By having a peculiar name? A peculiar dress? Or by just adhering to a banal, archaic set of tenets and preachings which are antiquated to say the least. Or by following inane practices and rituals which for some equally inane reason did not follow the Law of Origin of Species and the Law of Natural Selection.
Too many questions. Too few convincing answers.
Mood: Scatterbrained
Colour: Crimson
Song: Dream On (Aerosmith)
posted by Asymmetrica at 9:35 AM
2 Comments:
@inverted moron
Such is life my friend!
"Well, maybe it is true," Clevinger conceded unwillingly in a subdued tone. "Maybe a long life does have to be filled with many unpleasant conditions if it's to seem long. But in that event, who wants one?"
"I do," Dunbar told him.
"Why?" Clevinger asked.
"What else is there?""
by:
Joseph Heller from Catch-22
Personally, life is the day when u have someone to say this to:
"I wept when i remembered how often though and I, had tired the Sun of talking, & sent it down the sky!!
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